Bitten...

I have been bitten..by the depression bug again.

Hopefully I won't bore my readers with my talking about my mental health issues again, but I just want to vent here a minute.

It is so hard to motivate myself when I get like this. I am a chronic sufferer of depression due to another underlying chronic mental health diagnosis.

For years now, I have dealt with depression rearing its ugly head and taking over my thoughts, happiness and life. When it does, I feel listless, like I don't want to be around people, like I don't want to leave my house, on the verge of tears most of the day and so grumpy I just could scream..at myself..because I can't even stand being around ME.

Anyone who knows how this feels knows how old the cycle gets after years of being on it. I have gotten to the point where I don't talk about it too much to the people in my "real" life, mostly because I am under the impression that the ones who have been around for any amount of time are annoyed with what probably comes across as whining and I just don't really want the sympathy anymore, because its not enough, even though I know the ones who care about me do it because they love me.

I just want to be free from this roller-coaster.

I want to share that I have gone to great lengths to rid myself of this. I have been through the ringer of therapies, for years. I have taken just about every medication there is out there for my condition (sometimes the cure is worse than the cause with many of those). And, yes, I have even spent time doing ECT (commonly refereed to as "shock treatments", YES they still do those).

The only treatment that worked for any length of time was the ECT, but it only worked for about 6 months (but OH was it a wonderful 6 months!) and I fear it is time for me to return to that.

Unfortunately, I don't have the time for it because I now have more responsibility. I hate it anyway. I have a whole month there last year where I have no recollection. It's as if the whole month never happened in my memory. I was so confused I don't even know. Thank God I had people to care for me.

I don't know what to do anymore. The only place I can turn is God.



picture via flickr by Frustrated Writer